To Married Men Who Cheat

I get it, married life has not turned out like you had hoped it would, with the shortchange of your dreams with companionship, a safe place to call home with a supportive loving wife, enriching satisfying intimacy, mutual respect, raising and leaving a healthy legacy for your children, and building finances for a great retirement. No, it’s definitely not been in the scope of what you may have wanted, unless maybe you do enjoy all these things, but still you have gotten bored and restless with the status quo, and like those that are unhappy with the way things currently stand, you have ventured out into the world of taboo – the extramarital affair.

This is not an opportunity to shame males for falling into an affair or would-be affair, but simply a chance to share how it possibly could be perceived through the eyes of the woman that he pursues outside of the marriage nuptials. It’s a message with the modus operandi to help give greater insight for men, no matter his circumstances.

We are not talking from the perspective of an Alex character type from Fatal Attraction, a woman with a Jezebel spirit woefully abandoned to her own demise, partaking in a conscience-free seduction, but more from the perspective of someone less dramatic like me – a single, never married, busy entrepreneur. Or, you may find yourself attracted to a woman already committed into a marriage herself that might be in a bit of an unhappy dynamic like you have found yourself. It might surprise a man how a lady truly feels about your passes and suggestions to toy with the danger of an affair, or, even just pushing the line of safe boundaries with a “friendship”. A woman not looking for a man to “fix” her needs or to partake in a side venture from a pure and upright walk, could be found as even more of an exciting challenge. Breaking down the barriers of her safe wall of decency gives a man territory to conquer, and allows him to be seen by someone knew, and someone who might be quite exciting and adventurous.

When you see her, you might not be looking for trouble at first, but that spark and chemistry felt is undeniable. Conversations may start out as harmless,  but after a while, you begin to look forward to seeing her and possibly allowing the mind to slip into the world of fantasy about the two of you. Perhaps she resembles the girl your wife used to be, or more curiously, a total departure from her altogether, and because now you are feeling shafted, bored, or estranged by the current status of your marriage, you are tempted by the “what ifs” that this other lady might offer. You entertain conversation that if left unchecked, can eventually introduce you both into those tantalizing topics which lead to actions that are far more than unacceptable in the eyes of your wife and anyone else around you who truly cares.

You begin to look forward to more time and interaction, and eventually, exchanging text messages, emails, planning quick meetings here and there, sharing a lingering hug, and whatever else transpires, you have found yourself wandering far and away into the forbidden territory. You are in it, looking over your shoulder, deleting messages so no one finds them, sneaking around, longing, wanting, wishing, plotting and more. Perhaps even both of you are dealing with the guilt and shame mixed with excitement of not getting caught, which only plays more heavily into the cycle of how it all repeats. This relationship spices up your life and helps you feel alive, wanted, and appreciated more than ever before. The delight of the way it fills the bill, seems to offer promise of more of the same down the line if you continue. Or, does it?

In reality, something happens more often than not, in that regardless of the promise of a new hope for your love life, more often than not, men end up staying married to the original partner. The wanna-be new life seems to become the center of procrastination and excuses and before too long, one or both of you settle into a painful reality that you both have been used for something other than true love. Emotional ties to someone your heart is not truly committed to, will yield to the fact that some day, someone is going to get burned, either the girl you pursue with no intention of a future, as if an affair could offer that anyway, or the wife who finds out and is devasted beyond words.

I also want to address the men who pursue other women and hide the very fact that they are even married. The level of energy it takes to juggle each relationship from the other, must become quite exhausting in the over all scheme of managing and weaving tales. Whatever the issues that supplied a set up for a new romance, you now have a side relationship that appears to be a safe secure haven that engages your interests, emotions, and physical desires and yet hiding the fact of an existing marriage is far more of a cowardly act than one might like to admit.

As strange as it sounds to quote Bob Marley, but oh so true, “the biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her”, be it your wife that was promised “for better or worse” that you have cheated on, or the one whom you have stirred into an emotional commitment to love you, yet, knowing full well, you are not able to be faithful to either party. To entice another soul to fill your void, sooth your pain, and know full everyone is denying the reality of a sad ending, is wickedly unfair to have pursuied to begin with, to say the least. Even if you have had a rare exception of happiness in an affair that ended up working out in the long run, no matter what, you live with the stigma of an affair in your present and past. Those infractions are rarely forgotten and go down in the historical account by family, children, and certainly your spouse or ex-spouse.

Personally, having been the unwilling party on the receiving end of this type of pursuit in my history, I have found it completely cheap and disheartening to be viewed as surrogate wife to a married man. It short changes everything the Word of God says is pure and honorable of marriage. An affair has the potential to completely crush an entire family, and not just the immediate family, but those that are in the extended realm as well, for it will affect everything and everyone around oneself and the wake of such action, is large and all-consuming.   Having experienced these passes of married men who want a potential rendezvous, I have found the words they use as empty and used for nothing more than a smoke screen for what is going on in a broad range internally. It certainly does not promise a fulfilling future. Having the opportunity to be his cherished one and only one day seems quite ridiculous especially if he can’t cherish the one and only he is with currently .

A new-found secretive relationship could cost your partner in the affair everything as well, and often does, as there is no escaping the fact you both made decisions to act in this, unless it’s a girlfriend you hid the fact from that you are married. The fact a man would dull his own conscience to his marriage and the heart crush it would cause his wife, the price tag for his children, and the usery of the other ladies he chases, tells me volumes more about his character than anything else. These actions help fuel the Gloria Steinem mentality that spews bitter hatred and self-righteous this and that, due to the inability to deal with and heal from pain with an attempt to guard and protect themselves from men they have labeled as “evil preying cheating monsters”.

Hey guys, we women need honorable real men in our world. I want a safe covering for my life in the form of a faithful husband, so affairs in my opinion,  gives women with this Steinem premise of operation coveting superiority over men, one more weapon in their arsenal rather than looking to a man as an equal partner who she can mutually respect along with his actions toward her. The lack of respect toward women, gives those in waiting for God’s very best, one more reason to be disappointed in men as a whole, and places a necessary means of walling off the heart from possible damage of pursuers who don’t have the Lord’s best interest as the ultimate outcome. Can you blame her?

The days of men protecting a woman’s honor, seems to have all but disappeared and is now used as a theme brought into films on the screen as an antiquated romantic ideal.  People also forget the blessing that comes from the Lord by waiting on Him, for the best person, and then in the sexual realm, keeping things pure before marriage and during marriage. There is a reward that comes from two people who truly work at making a long-term commitment priority and surrender the methods they have been using to cope to the Lord, and allow Him to do the repair work needed and guiding into a renewed respect for the marriage vows. It’s also the finest and the best of two people making a decision to marry, to marry the right person, at the right time for the right reasons. Oh the issues of life that could be avoided, if we prayed first, waited on the Lord for His best, and then proceeded into a life of blessings, rather than the constant challenges that marriages bring when not done in His timing with patience and a true reality check of what we bring to the table in the matrimonial world.

So let’s figure out where you are right now by answering these questions:

How does disobeying the Lord in the first place ever seem to assure a blessing in the long run?

Did you marry the wrong woman in a hurry due to lust and now there are great regrets shopping around outside of your marriage to see what it could have been?

When did respect for each other die in the way of protecting purity of another human being not to mention for yourself?

I personally love it when a man shows a serious level of maturity by realizing what is best for a lady, his own, and others. He opens the door for women, knows what good moral code is, and protects himself from his own weaknesses, even if the other party could never appreciate it. He will flee from the Jezebels that do indeed exist, and in contrast, also understands that if a vulnerable side of woman appears, it’s his duty and place to protect that by simply walking away, instead of maneuvering into a place to take advantage. He sees an attraction, but knows if that is better for the common good not to partake of such a venture. If he is my brother in Christ and knows better, and if you lady reading this know better, than why do we push the envelope into the affair level thinking it will ever bring a promise of a stable future more soundly than where we find ourselves now? It’s a lie from the Enemy to set one up for certain disaster.

Affairs, even if never carried fully into fruition of the actual act of full on sex, carries with it the surefire way to fail and be used. I resent men to the nth degree who think I would find their advances, of all things, flattering, knowing it could cost him and me everything, plus perpetuate generational sins already established rather than being the ones that are the catalyst to break that cycle.  Is the reality of all of this really supposed to be a turn on?

If I were married, you are toying with another man’s territory, and if I am not, you are treading in the area of that of a future husband and the daughter of the King. Even if you dream of being that future spouse for a new lady, what kind of courtship is that – to be romancing someone while you are betraying your current vows, no matter what the excuse?

To add insult to injury, there is also nothing like the object of a husband’s affection that will guarantee the fury more of an anguished jilted and justifiably angry wife. Your other woman, will be regarded as the seducing villain, the enemy forever in the story, with no recourse, for no one can ever repair the feeling of being “less than”, than a wife that has been cheated on. This is one wound only the Lord Himself can heal.  And please, don’t tell me sir that you are totally forthright with your wife after being caught, only to lay a large amount of blame on the woman you had the affair with or almost affair with … because somehow she gets thrown under the bus no matter if she did or didn’t do a single thing to encourage your desire. Don’t blame your wife either for your stepping into infidelity.

Still feeling enticed to cheat?

Or, you may have already been there and done that, way past the point of no return, never having dreamed of having an affair and are now standing in a position that makes you wonder how in the world this whole thing started. You are staying in a heavily broken and strained marriage by choice in the aftermath, or even ransacked by divorce proceedings, bank account drained, reduced to seeing your children every other weekend, or even more of a dagger in the heart, your children have decided not to have anything to do with you. Your job is in question, and if in ministry, you know full well this could and probably has cost you everything you ever worked for over the years.  And let’s not forget, perhaps an unplanned pregnancy or a surprise venereal disease pops into the scenario for you both to have to deal with the rest of your lives. The gift that keeps on giving. Plus this as well, what about the unbeliever or weak in faith who is watching, thirsty to see if anyone truly lives an authentic Christian life – how about what they perceive in the body of Christ to be true and dependable?

So let’s see first how the dynamic of infidelity is a set-up from the origin, and learn how to avoid the perfect storm of lies from the evil one before it ever hits – that faulty promise that the grass is greener on the other side. Marriage was never meant to fill what only God could fill. That should be the beginning of baby steps toward understanding the the Lord is the only and all fulfilling God and marriage is a GIFT and a commitment between two very imperfect people. Everyone woman can produce a vulnerable side, and if inspected long enough you will find her weaknesses and strengths,  what makes her laugh and delights her heart, those areas which men are often all too familiar with – the way of her wounds and needs and past issues that she carries into her present. Isn’t that what attracted you to your wife? So when you see it as an attraction to a new person, it’s the same pattern of setting one up for emotional ties not meant for any reason other than for marriage.

Often men experience that innate desire to either protect or exploit that Achilles Heal of a woman in “befriending” her as a brother, to fulfill her at least with words and encouragement to help her feel whole, only to find himself gradually falling into an unintentional desire for filling that role himself. She will respond to you one way or the other and may even fight you for a while, but if she doesn’t run from temptation, she soon moves closer to you in heart. It’s the thrill of the chase and winning her trust and affection that keeps you both coming back for more. It could also be that she seems quite stable in her ways, and that helps you feel whole and completed drawing from her strength where you can no longer look to your wife for support.

So one has to ask himself, did the affair of the heart start with the first glimpse of each other, or was it when you decided that it was each other’s responsibility to play the fixer upper?  If you can no longer fix your own, you mine as well divert your abilities onto a life that could appreciate it – right? And somebody had to make her aware of how smoking hot and desirable she is – so let it be you to do the task. You feel that she needs to understand that she “deserves to be loved and appreciated”.

Oh danger – danger! This is where we go from flattery to forgery of God’s call on her life. That is not anyone’s place to make a woman feel desirable but that of her husband alone. Your actions will woe her into falling in love and wanting you on a permanent basis and it is woefully unfair for you to truly have no intention of ever following through. This is why the Word of God says to “guard your hearts” (Proverbs 4:23). Even if you have not found yourself intertwined emotionally with a woman, you may feel that an on-line participation of a sexual nature, but no physical touching, is less threatening and more credible as the non-affair type of affair.  However, let this be a glaring reality for all to know, cheating is cheating, no matter how you slice it.

Here is where we dissect an even deeper truth of the vows you willingly took on your wedding day. You took the time to consider your wife, to court her, and convene with her in marriage, for better and for worse.  You are in it, although bored, restless, and wandering, feeling unloved and unconnected, feeling a fresh new face could fool you into thinking that this is the answer, even if just for a temporary fix. But beware, every relationship dynamic has areas that need to be examined, and carrying old baggage into the new, complicated by the very real fact this is an affair, can rarely ever transpire into something promising for the long haul. I will never understand why a man who wants to play the field, decides to marry and stays in it, and justifies all day long running around behind the backs of those that trust him the most. All of it, can go up in smoke with one phone call, a picture for evidence, or text copy – living on the edge of disaster smacks of nothing more than immaturity in character at its worst.

The Ten Commandments or are those regarded as old school and no longer applicable Adultery is explained loud and clear not only there, but in several other places in the Word. Those virtues of the standard of living in the Word of God,  in Exodus and Proverbs, and more, explains the consequences of this danger over and over again. It can and will cost more for the undertaking of it, than anyone ever could have prepared themselves to pay. The Lord put these rules of conduct into place in order to help His children avoid pain and disaster and never for the reason of causing you to live a life that is less than. 

Before you justify your actions to get your needs met outside of your consecrated vows, as yourself how adding another relationship into the equation help the matter?  If you are truly ending your  marriage, then take time to pray and seek Christ, and give yourself time to heal before entanglement with another potential divorce set up with a new person. Do you really want a healthy marriage as it is? Then give it all you have got. And if you do end things, don’t play around for the mean time.

Paul said it best in I Corinthians 7,  that in marriage, there will be “trouble” and that he was trying to “spare them” from that pain and derailment to their walk with God. Part of the subliminal footnote I feel Paul intended in that passage conveys that two imperfect people with a sin nature, enter into marriage and then place the other person in the marriage responsible for all of their needs to be met, and to make all of their dreams come true. I have had enormous pain just in the dating relationships, with “men of God” who most certainly would have been a disaster to have married. It’s pretty much curbed my appetite for ever wanting marriage and provides one fact I can rest upon: never married, never divorced, either.

Marriage is an ideal place to find out how giving or selfish we can ultimately be with another person, and the expectation levels we put on each other are far from the ability any human being could ever endeavor to meet, which leads to the obvious and highly expected let down that ensues. After all marriage is about how we can evolve in Christ together as a team, and not about how we can tear each other apart with the microscope looking for “the answer”. God never intended for it to be the whole picture for happiness, but rather a place where “iron sharpens iron” according to Proverbs 27:17, and for the sake of ministering to each other and with each other for those around you. If one falls down the other can pull them up for two are better than one as depicted in Ecclesiastes 4. It’s to glorify the Lord in the way Christ gave Himself up for His bride, the church as her Husbandmen, and for the wife to honor that role and that man. Remember, Jesus never cheats on His bride and she has certainly been a handful for him for centuries now.

Wives, you as well can play party to the problem of a cheating husband. Maybe you have worked as hard as you can on your relationship, slowly let down over time, by the reveal that the man you loved was not the man you thought you loved. But what if you helped set up this disadvantage for what is now a reality – did you happen to ignore the signs of what was coming?  Did that bitterness and the put downs, the male slamming and bickering happen to lead to a place over the years that your husband just got tired of the stress and felt driven away? Did you refuse counseling? Did you know better than to marry that guy that possibly was unfaithful before you said those nuptials thinking you could change him? Did you marry just to marry or escape another situation only to realize you two were not a life long match? Did you stop being a friend to him, and dismiss intimacy, and became the mother rather than the wife in the marriage? Do you hold past hurts from things of your childhood and other men in your life over your husband’s head as if he needs to pay the price for all of humanity? How about putting a leash on your spouse, did you think pulling him in tighter to your control was the answer? All of this is as self-serving as it can get.

“Perfect love casts out all fear” as I John 4:18 says, but that perfect love needs to be established carefully, with mutual agreement, done over time, and with open and honest transparency. Even if one person is working it harder than the other, at least they know they can put their head on their pillow at night knowing they are doing all things possible to make things work. But if all things are operating out of fear, it will serve as a sinking ship for the bottom of the abyss.

Men are visual, they like to be nurtured, we all like to be nurtured – yes, men, we women desperately need that as much as you do, and when we can’t deepen the communication and be respectful in our quest to get things out on the table for healing and counsel, we heighten the danger for either one in the marriage to seek solace elsewhere. Dr. Henry Wright, a champion on spiritual roots of healing in the ministry God gave him, points out many issues that are given for health problems due to lack of nurturing from those we are to receive it from, even including marriage. Check out his amazing ministry at http://www.beinhealth.or.

Men, do you put down your wives in the company of friends to fit in with their attitude? Does she feel valued, adored, needed, and protected? Have you set her up to feel bitter against you? And that thing we think is “harmless” with flirting, is absolutely untrue. For the small violation of trust with flirting with another, means a larger violation of trust is imminent. Flirting can turn into an all out affair and it is painfully disrespectful to your spouse. Caring, God-seeking friends – won’t set each other up for a fall into sin – so making someone who is a friend an object of your flirtation, can be a very dangerous risk.  One of the things we subliminally wish for in seduction is that even though the girl you are chasing may love the Lord and want total commitment to Him, we want her to respond. She is human, and can fall, so when a man who knows better, looks for insecurities, plays on emotions, trying to slowly diminish the boundary lines of what was once – taboo, and justifies his actions due to his miserable emptiness in his marriage, it creates a total breach of safety for all, and Satan sees that nothing and no one is off-limits. The key isn’t the empty marriage, it’s the emptiness within the people themselves.

The good news is, the Lord has equipped us fully and completely with the ability to be filled with His knowledge by His word, flee immorality, clean up our mind, cling to His Word, and learn from other’s mistakes or our own. One has to be on guard, instant in season and out, and it’s the toughest lesson to learn that the enemy of our souls plants his wiles among the pews and in ministries even outside the church walls, in businesses, and anywhere that people have to interact and where the Holy Spirit dwells. Target practice is common place especially if believers are not on guard. And honestly, I would rather see a cordial end to a marriage that is simply out of fuel, both parties completely spent and done, LONG before one tries out another new relationship, and only then, after a time of counseling and reflection. We don’t want a repeat of what just happened.

Again, my goal is not to berate, but simply to paint a sobering picture and provide a checklist in the mind for future reference that will give you guys something incredibly profound to consider before deciding to open the door to share intimacy with another woman.  The Scripture verse Hebrew 13:4 that says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous,” bears some pretty heavy weight with it and seems rather terrifying to someone who knows that unless they repent of this, get the help they need, and fall headlong into the Lord’s ability to heal, there is a sobering expectation in the long run. It’s even worse, when one does know that truth and still chooses to defy God’s warning.

Let’s look at the fact that there is hope, if two shall agree to get the help they need to safeguard against adultery, or the repeat of adultery. Infidelity, sin, for whatever reason, in whatever form, will never produce the righteousness of God. In the meantime, let’s do our best to remember that truth of the matter and work to overcome the desire to cause another one to stumble along with us. To finish off my ending note, what can we do to prevent a disaster and unwanted outcome in marriage, and when do men need to know that professional Godly counsel is in order to prevent further damage …

Checklist:

  1. For men and for women – do I need to get counseling in my marriage even if I am doing it alone? Do I have a sexual addiction? (There are volumes of places to help with this.)
  2. Do I spend time flirting with the opposite sex calling it harmless, and even convincing myself that this flattery is making them feel worthy and needed?
  3. Do I have a history of infidelity and should I avoid certain types of women that may trigger a desire to step out on my marriage? Should I really be on social media, or stay in the same realm of work on that floor of the church, with “her”?
  4. Am I calloused to my spouses needs and have I become less and less convicted about the idea of cheating? Wives are you pushing your man away and berating him with a honey-do list and income as his means of existence for you?
  5. Am I spending time in God’s Word daily and pursuing the heart the of the Lord to prevent issues even in thought, that could lead to infidelity?
  6. Is my marriage truly over? Have I tried everything to make it work, and have I been totally transparent with my spouse that temptation sits at the door if we don’t work on things together?
  7. Did I see some warning flags with my spouse before I married them? Could I have prevented heartache ahead of time? Was she cheating with you and now she is cheating on you? Were you the one cheating and thinking the next marriage would fix whatever it was that was broken?
  8. Am I lying to myself that flirting with anyone, is harmless? ) All marital infidelity begins with flirting.)
  9. Do I really want to hurt someone I say I care for? My wife, the ministry, my children, the church body, unbelievers who are looking for hope, and the other woman I encounter?
  10. Are there generational issues of infidelity in my family that I need to be freed from? Can I truly be the one that breaks the line of the curse? Of course you can!

I pray for blessings on you as you read this and take it to heart. There are so many blessings when we ourselves remain personally healthy and attach ourselves to the same. The Lord has a great plan for you, according to Jeremiah 29:11-13, and that would include freeing you from the stronghold of infidelity. God bless you as you endeavor to overcome.

Suggested reading: The Fantasy Fallacy – Shannon Ethridge

Love

What Christian Women Want from their Men …

Chass and Jerry's hands bible

It’s been a mystery for years for the fellas to figure out what it is a woman really wants, the mystery behind her sudden silence, vibrant mood changes, or simply what it is that causes her to become quiet and distant without explanation.

Being a completely imperfect woman I can only speak from the perspective of what personally makes me tick as a woman, not to mention incorporating a host of explanations carried in from my married and single friends. The goal is only to present this from the point of view of a born again Christian who truly attempts to seek the heart of God, and one who strives to reach emotionally maturity. So many women never attempt singleness for long as they are quick to depend on a man to fulfill a need that only our perfect Lord God, our Father and Husbandman, is entitled to fill.

I, for one, love being single, have never been married on purpose having turned down more than one marriage opportunity, but am careful not to say “no” to the Lord for His plan if He should ask me to enter into a covenant bond in the future. Some would rather die than live life alone, but allow me to offer this caveat to those in a hurry enter a nuptial agreement; by not waiting, one is robbed of the time to pray for and against items in marriage that so many only wish they had prayed for before they were married. It’s so worth the wait for the right man or woman, as so many friends of mine have confirmed, who did not rush into marriage earlier in life, and there has never been a regretful word I’ve heard about insisting and waiting on God’s best pick of spouses. Still,  it’s never too late to work on issues as a couple even if you are already “in it”. This blog serves a purpose on both ends of marriage for knowledge for before and after the “I do”.

This message is a communication aid for what this particular lady would love to see a marriage accomplish, which is to compliment our walk with Christ, and, enhance perspective ministries as a couple. With conviction and proof, we can attest that respect and love are the key components for success in seeking to help each other reach our fullest potential inside the borders of marriage, without inflated expectations and the work expected to be done on equal footing. There is no way every man can attain to ever part of this list, but if even a quarter of these wishes were fulfilled with the same expectation of women to fulfill what she can do to please the Lord and her man, we might have a much lower divorce rate from expressing what is is we really want as well as need.

What a Christian woman of God prays for …

1.  Genuinely Seeking the Will of God and Let the Holy Spirit Guide You:

Witnessing a man studying His Bible, or writing down a prayer request of a waiter, passing the offering plate as an usher, teaching a Bible Study, writing a blog for Christian men, praying as a family, reading the Bible out loud with his children before bed, expressing the meaning of Christmas being about Christ and not about gifts and more “stuff”, persuading other men to honor their wives, and anything else to pursue the heart of God is HUGE with a woman. This list is not exhaustive and it certainly isn’t expected that all of this happens at once, but you get the idea … a man who genuinely fears the Lord is a giant in the eyes of woman who also follows the Lord. These actions have to be real and not a facade as eventually the head game will give you away if the heart is not pure.

2. Security:

Security means “I can trust you” … not to leave me if I develop breast cancer or Alzheimers, as I certainly plan to return the favor if something happens to you my man. It means you will not squander life savings on a secret gambling debt but are actually planning for our family and future of our children. It means we tithe and trust. It means you won’t mess around with other women, especially when I have invested my entire life into you. If you plan to cheat, TELL ME, divorce me, whatever, but don’t try and fool me. Women KNOW when things are not ok.

We want to be able to look the other way and know that our men are mature enough to exercise self control with their minds in any circumstance, avoid temptation, and would trust us enough to admit when struggling in an area so we can BOTH work on it …  This is a challenge for both sexes to do this necessary step with each other. It means you will nurture that loving feeling along with me long after the butterflies are gone and won’t flake at the first or second or third sign of adversity.

As for the area of money, if you are the bill payer and dough keeper, please keep me in the loop where everything is and put my name on items if anything should happen to you. More women are left with a financial disaster after a man leaves her widowed due to the fact she is not even aware where the check book is, and deals with nothing in order on a will. Look out for me and for our family and let’s keep each other educated and well planned for the “what ifs”. Insurance policies and items written on legal documents, keys to safety deposit boxes with easy access, all spell out “I care even after I’m gone.”

And by the way guys, most women do have a keen business sense that would serve very well as your accountability partner in decision making about money, issues in the work place, not to mention, we can actually run a business ourselves and create substantial income. This is not a threat to you, it is a necessary area we like to manage for emergency funds, shopping needs so we don’t have ask permission for every little dime spent of yours, and allows us to help out the entire household.

3. Humor:

Not silly ridiculous embarrassing humor – but intelligent humor, cute comments, a funny card, a hilarious email, or repeating something adorable our children have said … that makes a woman melt. I am a big sucker for humor … but not at the expense of my body or what is dear to me or someone else we love. If you make a woman laugh … she will be putty in your hands. Endorphins are a key factor here. This quite honestly is ranked second to importance to me as your healthy walk with God.

4. Communicate with Me:

Tell me about your day after you unwind. I don’t have to know how many copies you made on the copier, I just want to know if you are feeling fulfilled with your job, ideas or plans for our business we have built together, and value my input as important as your own. I am your team mate and your biggest cheer leader so give me something to cheer about and do know that the Lord gives women discernment about things men simply don’t have, just like you guys are gifted in ways we women are not gifted in. Don’t Lie To Me – just be honest. When you talk to me and stimulate my MIND … I am all YOURS. Get it?

5. Don’t Compare Me To Other Women and Don’t Correct Me In Front Of Others Unless It Is Life Threatening:

I may or may not have the best body in the group but tell me I am the hottest thing you have ever seen, but not overkill. I know when you are not being honest. Tell me I am beautiful, cooked a fabulous dinner, handled the children correctly, look like I have lost weight, and please don’t ask me to dye or grow out my hair and do a style like another woman you have seen. You married ME, not HER. If you drool over another woman that will not drive me to do better for myself, it will drive me away from YOU. And if you compare me to your mother or sister, expect me to clam up or explode. Just don’t go there! If you wanted mama, you should have married her and don’t tell me I am just like my own mama unless it’s a compliment.

When you correct me on something that is wrong, exercise class and do this in a tender way in private, but please if you are perfectionist, this won’t fly however small or great you think the error is as the fault lies in your inability to be happy with anyone’s best and your list of expectations might be contrary to everything the Word of God says it should be. That’s just called being a jerk with inflated unreasonable expectations.

6. Defend Me: 

Remember when Eve was seduced by the Devil in the garden? Scripture makes it clear she was not in fact alone when she took the fruit and ate it, but that Adam was very close to her during the most critical temptation to sin in all of history …. I am not blaming Adam, however since both of them had the same instruction from their Father to avoid the forbidden fruit, one might contemplate how the whole of mankind and the fall into sin may have been prevented had he come to Eve’s defense and spoken the truth on the spot with less compromise of entertaining a chat with the enemy of their souls. Just say “no” would have been a great motto for that moment  … Genesis 3:6, “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”

On another note, besides someone that may try and harass your lady into sin, what about defending her with someone in the family or your children that are rude to her, or anyone for that matter.  Defend your beloved without losing your temper. Nothing is more degrading than a man that will let his wife be disrespected and will do NOTHING to defend her. This also includes defending our children which are extensions of our very being entrusted to us for rearing in the Word. 

7. Be Tender With Me:

Women LOVE tenderness from a strong man and a soft touch that stops at the point of you men wanting more. Touch my hair, brush my cheek with yours, call me during the day to say “hey baby” and remind me that I am a precious part of your heart. That means also being tender with our children and not yelling at them or being impatient. A great daddy is a big hero to a momma. I don’t care if it’s your spiritual gift or not, or my spiritual gift or not, mercy and kindness are highly appreciated and necessary every single day for us both.

Also the hidden issues of a temperament that could be a problem later need to be discussed early on. I once dated a man that I only found out all to late had a hidden violent temper. It started with a tiny jealous streak he thought he could control, but after awhile, the real Dr. Jeckyll Mr. Hide came out and I was crushed in my heart in the process to learn that I would never be able to truly trust the man. He KNEW he had a temper and never told me the truth before things got out of hand, plus had covered a long history of volatile behavior against woman and authority in general that cost him dearly in the long run. Little did I know he was hiding a dangerous violent side. Don’t you know after that experience, the antenna went up to such a sensitive high level that I can spot a “mean spirit” a hundred miles away. Ladies, DO NOT settle for this and think you can change him. You can’t. Only the Holy Spirit of God can do that. 

For you men, if you have a temper and know it, be extremely honest with yourself, the Holy Spirit, and TELL your woman – get counsel before the marriage takes place, or even if you have married, get help. A temper is nothing to mess around with and getting to the heart of the matter could truly free you from a disaster later.  Tempers can be cured indeed but men unwilling to surrender their right to be angry, honestly, are not in the best shape to marry to begin with – you have to give God the grip on that stronghold. 

8. Be Patient When I Am Hormonal:

Yes, hormones are horrible pests for women at times. Truly there are times we have mood swings that drive us crazy, make us weepy or slap happy, and can alter our entire day beyond our control. If it seems extreme, talk to me carefully and possibly we can get help together on it. Don’t marry a woman who makes you walk around on eggshells cuz hormones will only make it worse … if you tell me your concerns when I am NOT in a hormonal mode, it will fly much better.

9. Say Sorry and Mean It:

When you are wrong say it and get rid of pride, the killer of all peaceful endings, and forgive me when I am wrong too. The greatest love you can show is to forgive especially when that person least deserves it. Grace and mercy go a long way even if it means I accidentally backed the Bentley into the garage door. It’s a CAR not a human, so keep “stuff” less important than human issues. We also need to agree not to hold history over each other’s heads. If we forgive it means don’t bring it up again … if there is a pattern of behavior, that is a different issue, but just to hold something old as new does no one any way but harmful.

10. Take Care Of Your Body:

We want you around awhile. Please don’t hasten the end of your days with poor unhealthy habits. Women out live men the majority of the time and that is so hard to have to face anyway, but to know you won’t take care of your heart, blood pressure, eating habits, waist line, and so on, tells me the message “I don’t care enough to try and I am selfish”.

11. Let ME Define What a Sexy Man is – It’s Not What You Think

a) Helping around the house – a well known pastor’s wife I know mentioned once that when her hubby took out the garbage … she found it sexy. Come on is that easy to do or what? Carry the groceries in, vacuum on occasion,  and we really do love it when you guys put your laundry IN the hamper and not on the floor, which are the smallest of ways that proves thoughtfulness. In fact if you do a load once in awhile, you might just add 1000 points to the love bank just for that seemingly minor action. P.S. don’t mix whites and colors ok? 

b) Playfulness and sharing – take me to the ball game of my choice, let’s go fishing and you handle the worm while I hook the fish, hold my hand on a walk in the park, shop with me for shoes and don’t bark at me for the price tag, share a bite off your plate once in awhile when we are out … you get the idea. 

c) Muscles … we like those … but even a brilliant well thought out quote can exercise the brain muscle and that can be a turn on too. 

d) Open my car door – my dad’s wife sat in the car in the garage for almost 30 minutes one time because he hopped out when they got home and forgot to open her car door. He found her later after a search, still sitting in the care awaiting the polite move she had grown accustomed to, and let me tell you, he hasn’t forgotten since. And you ladies who get offended when a man opens a door for you, NEED to get over it, because the rest of us LOVE it when a man shows respect. It’s respectful, not degrading, to do these things for us. 

e) Dress cool … just do it … it can be comfy but a well dressed guy either in a tailored suit, clean shaven or trimmed beard, or a faded pair of jeans with the right shoes, will absolutely make a chick purrrrrrr. I promise … the clothes do indeed make the man. In turn we will not embrace the frump factor and do only sweats and no make up when you are not around. The rest of the time, I want you to love the way I look. 

12. The Most Important … Make Me #2 Behind God:

I am not equal with our kids, your children from a previous woman, and am not going to compete with your mother or stubborn behavior over anyone else. The institution of marriage on earth is second to our marriage to Christ. That means you honor our relationship first, and then allow others in as a natural part of the levels of importance to follow  …

My hope is that this does not intimidate men, but rather, encourage them, as well as enlighten women as to what would be the viewpoint of another woman who has gathered much in the way of listening to what women “really want” and find that we are not so different from one another. The bond between a man and woman will grow deeply and more secure if we are sincere to choose the right spouse to begin with, in prayer, and honor that commitment until death do us part.