To Married Men Who Cheat

I wanted to share from the perspective of a woman, a note to men; married men, men who profess to be Christians, men who may or may not be believers in the Son of the Living God, men who are separated and not yet divorced from their spouses, men who are ministers or well-regarded in ministry to some level, men who are deeply in pain, men who may have dead marriage pulverized and hurt by their wives, but whomever, any man who has opted to step outside of their marriage and pursue another woman.

Hypothetically, the woman you could be pursuing, could be me, and it might surprise a man how a lady like me truly feels about your passes. I’m not talking as a woman with a Jezebel spirit, I’m implying the woman who you are pursuing, is one that is pursuing the Lord with all of her heart, busy about ministry, tending to God’s work, single or married, that looks enticing, exciting, tender-hearted, sensitive, and the ideal that you have been missing out on.

Since I have heard myriad of stories of these women that have had their fair share of married men test the boundary lines of infidelity to see how far they could take it, no doubt women reading this can fully identify with my thoughts. Most of the time, I don’t think married men consider the long-term issues that evolve out of affairs or attempts to have an affair especially amongst the body of believers. Either they are so blinded by lust, or even their own pain the coping mechanism of indulging into the life of another woman, but in the end do they truly consider the damage that can occur for their very reputation, the pain in their wife’s and children’s hearts, their parents, friends, fellow church members, those that look up to and esteem them, a church body that can be completely divided over their infidelity, financial ruin, and never mind the unbeliever or weak in faith who is wanting to see if anyone truly lives an authentic Christian life. And we can’t forget, the other one that is so damaged in the process, even if nothing happens, is the soul of the very object of their pursuit. The one they are trying give to the role to as “the other woman”

It may appear exciting and quietly scandalous at first with the secrecy of something off-limits, but when reality sets in over the course of the pursuit,  that excitement can turn to bitterness and heartbreak for everyone involved seen or unseen.

Personally, I have found it completely and utterly insulting to be thought of as a side note or distraction for a married man, no matter his circumstances. A woman who wants to live a life pleasing to the Lord, knowing that flattery and flirting alone is ultimately costing the trust of the wife of the man to begin with in this conquest could possibly feel they are not worthy in the eyes of a man of being honored and cherished as the opposite gender inside or outside of marriage. It’s not an ego boost for a woman following God to encounter being the target catch for a married spouse, but rather yet, another disappointment in men, as this has gone on for decades in politics, on tennis teams, in friendships, the work environment, amongst neighbors, and so on, but we always hope that ministry just might be the exception.

It infuriates me to no end because it means men have devalued what love IN marriage is meant to be, and have presented women with their worst selves at their worst place. It greatly cheapens the meaning of commitment between a man and a woman. Again, even if nothing actually happens – the fact I am a target for a wife’s hubby, adds me to the potential home-wrecker bandwagon even if I haven’t done a thing. Yes, this is often how it works with a wife’s thinking, because to avoid pain, she may decide to turn her blinders on that her husband had as much to do with it as “that tart that must have seduced my husband”.

But listen wives, you as well can play a party in the fact of a cheating husband. Maybe you have been totally pure and worked as hard as you can on your marriage, blindsided by that gut wrenching reveal that the man you loved was not the man you thought you loved. But, maybe you helped set up this disadvantage for what is now a true reality – did you happen to ignore the signs of what was coming?  Did that bitterness and the put downs, the male slamming and bickering happen to lead to a place over the years that this husband just got tired of the stress and felt driven away?

Men are visual, they like to be nurtured, we all like to be nurtured, and when we can’t deepen the communication and be respectful in our quest to get things out on the table for healing and counsel, we heighten the danger for either one in the marriage to seek solace elsewhere. We also need to take a look around at generational attitudes/curses/sins passed down to the next group growing up behind us, dealing with men and women in a commitment. Are we sure we are not feeding the fire of generational infidelity by ignoring God’s principles – “love one another” – “do all things heartily as unto the Lord” – not unto the tradition of making men the target of ridicule, and ignore the entire message of I Corinthians 13 about L-O-V-E. Are we flirting with danger thinking we can stop at any time?

Men, do you put down your wives in the company of friends to fit in? Does she feel valued, adored, needed, and protected? Have you set her up to feel better against you? And that thing we think is “harmless” with flirting, is absolutely untrue. For the small violation of trust with flirting, means a larger violation of trust is imminent if not put into check. Flirting can turn into an all out affair. Caring friends – our siblings in Christ, won’t put each other in a position that would threaten and diminish a person’s walk with God, but would instead, find ways to point the family of God to His Word and fortify the situation with healthy lines never to cross.

Who would think that our actions in and out of marriage could carry such weight? And even though I love the Lord and want total commitment to Him, I am human, and can fall, so when a man who knows better, looks for insecurities, plays on emotions, tries to slowly diminish the boundary lines of what was once – taboo, and justifies actions, it creates a permanent rift and a look back at the fact that I can trust not a single soul, and must be ready to flee immorality and shut off contact with those that I thought were wiser than “that”. It’s a total breach of safety and Satan sees that nothing and no one is off limits.

The good news is, the Lord has equipped us fully and completely with the ability to be filled with His knowledge by His word, flee immorality, clean up our mind, cling to His Word, and learn from other’s mistakes or our own. One has to be on guard, instant in season and out, and it’s the toughest lesson to learn that the enemy of our souls plants his wiles among the pews and in ministries even outside the church walls, in businesses, and anywhere that people have to interact and where the Holy Spirit dwells. Target practice is common place especially if believers are not on guard.

My goal is not to shame and berate, but simply to plant a checklist in the mind for future reference, if you will, that will give you guys something incredibly profound to consider before deciding to open the door for a “hit” on another woman to share intimacy with to fill your void, instead of the Lord doing the healing in your marriage.  Hitting on a single or married woman, who is entrusting you as a friend, a minister, a best friend’s husband, is wickedly demeaning to women in general, and puts her into a place that is painfully awkward and uncomfortable.  What is she supposed to do if she turns you down and you keep insisting? Are you willing for her to expose your intentions? What do you expect from someone who might eventually cave in and then you find yourself being pursued in return by someone you never meant to go “that far with” emotionally? Why would you foster intimacy with someone who can’t have you? How cruel. What about diseases and surprise pregnancies? And what if the other woman ends up being like the character Alex from Fatal Attraction. Rabbit stew for dinner anyone? Yikes!

And that often used method of dissing your wife and blaming her in the process, smacks of something far greater than just the fact you are unhappy, it tells me you have defaulted to the most widely known form of a lie the enemy can whisper to you …. “that it’s always someone else’s fault and I have the ultimate excuse for my actions being rejected by wife and won’t get to the bottom of the issue with this in order to prevent adding insult to injury.”

Maybe you wanted to test the waters and consider other woman for a back up plan when your marriage ends, but how on earth could things work on a clean fresh slate with her post-divorce, and you two be in a position for God to ever even think of blessing you, the second or even third go around? Yes, I have seen blessed second and third marriages, so don’t fling mud at me for being candid about this part – however that next marriage won’t fly unless it’s done right by your own heart being contrite and fully repentant from from the past mistakes made no matter who did the sinning.

Marriage is a beautiful sacred gift from the Lord, one I fully respect and even protect by not wanting to advocate as a deterrent to a man’s purity. In and of itself, marriage is a ministry that requires total devotion and care and we have to be willing to go the distance by understanding that if we don’t put the Lord first, we set ourselves up for a sad ending. There can be incredible joy shared between a husband and wife, but how about when we self sabotage that opportunity? Women who are married, ask yourselves, do you berate your husbands in marriage or cut them off sexually to get revenge and hold power over them? Men are you leading and protecting or are you expecting her to do things she is not called to do? Do you truly know what it is to honor a wife and mother of your children? What is the source of your estrangement that would lead to a set up of adultery for one or both parties? Or maybe, there isn’t  a set up at all. It could just be that safeguards were not taken early on to prevent lust from getting the best of us with someone else. Maybe you married a personality that never could be your true soul mate, with lack of chemistry and compatibility, and now you have settled for misery that grows louder with time, willing to forfeit vows to get needs met elsewhere. Maybe you fooled your fiance before marriage and promised far more than you would ever plan to keep, knowing you weren’t going to hold up on your end of the deal. That’s for men AND women on that note.

Marriage requires wisdom for choosing the right mate, it requires sacrifice when a “better deal” comes along later – aka: temptation from the devil, and marriage success for the Christian requires each party devoted to the Lord, or at least one of them (which can be tough to be the solo Christ-seeker), in order for there to be some level of peace and harmony.  When we bind ourselves to another, for better or worse, it’s part of the territory to stay faithful, even in difficult times.

What I also have discovered, to some married men, it may spell an even heightened desire to try his hand at capturing a strong independent woman’s attention outside of his marriage, lower her protective wall,  indulge that desire to conquest, to fulfill the man’s seek -n-hunt-n-capture side that the Lord has given them. But may I clarify this to the masses,  the Lord most certainly never meant that conquest to be something to violate our vows for sanctity. He never meant for a married man to help a lady that is not his wife, feel “sexy, wanted, needed, valued” and so on, that was only meant for HER husband to make her feel. Even the strongest of women and men have vulnerabilities, we all do, and it is far more mature to protect those vulnerabilities of another than to exploit those for our selfish reasons. In fact when those vulnerabilities are indeed protected, like a soldier guarding with his shield the Achilles heel of another, it makes the person who is and was at risk, soar with respect for the protector.

A man that guards his wife’s heart, the home, his children, and safe guards himself from falling, and shows respect to other women around him, is a hero to be heralded for life. That’s my kind of guy that I would marry one day, but it’s rare, and nearly impossible to find in the current field of available men. I personally have never felt overly desirous to be married and have children, for numerous reasons, and if I do marry one day, there will be no settling for second best in sight.

Be it a desire to conquer, a troubled marriage, lack of intimacy, a nagging problem in the home, an abusive wife, chaotic children, stress in the job market, boredom, falling out of love, money problems, a cheating wife, sexual addiction, the other woman’s neglectful or abusive spouse, irresistible outrageous chemistry with another woman, an open marriage (oh heaven help us), or even a completely happy situational home life with no apparent issues but sexual desire and conquest for an additional fling, the reason for stepping away, is never justifiable to commit the act of infidelity. But even more so, to chisel away and try to woe a woman heartily seeking Christ and purity, is even more deplorable in my opinion, as it spells out a completely self-serving neglectful attitude of the pursuing male, that disregards what it could cost his object of affection – her health, emotional stability, job security, business, ministry, reputation, trust of those around her, her esteem as to who she is, her sense of solid footing, and most definitely her self-respect and feeling of being honored and protected … that will all but be gone. She may never feel any man can be trusted for that matter, if she can’t trust even YOU with who she is in Christ, and all that this could cost both of you based on the unspeakable issues of connecting out of God’s plan.

And let’s not forget the wife of the man who cheats, and his children. Of course I don’t need to go into detail here as there is enough counseling material available on the planet to load up and sink a Titanic all over again. And how about those 20/20 programs we see weekly that show crimes of passion, where some man wanted to get rid of his wife, or a wife catching a cheating spouse, in order to buy into the lie that the grass could be greener on the other side. No doubt every one of them is sitting behind bars right now thinking over and over again how they could have prevented that disaster to begin with … if only.

I even had a married attorney-client, who defended hardened criminals, ask me for a trip out of town for spa time with him. Standing there, on the job, in the middle of discussing business with him, I was completely incensed by his blind recklessness, and lack of respect for a woman owned business that could flat expose his reputation as an infidel and sexual harraser. No doubt, there is a line up of women for this very married successful man, but woah to him, the man that sees case after case of crimes probably due to infidelity and more, that does not know he is being led to the slaughter by such indiscretions himself.

So next thing, and this is the area where I find things going into a more interesting level of discussion. I may infuriate other conservatives, and perhaps create a firestorm of responses with some the following question, which is not my intention, but none-the-less, it’s something I have to address in order to help men see it from the perspective of the other woman they want to make “theirs”.

If a man is that unhappy, bored, unsettled, uncommitted, and needing the validation, to be loved, to have a conquest, why oh why do they stay married and cheat? Even with the excuse of money and children as the deciding factor to stay, or to spare a wife’s pain of leaving her, what is the benefit of cheating on the down low or open-book, with all of the disastrous consequences it can bring? Let’s just be transparent here, it’s fool-hearty and stupid to think it will ever bring about anything good.

Be it that this comes from the type of writer I am, who hates infidelity, broken homes, the wretchedness of children stretched between two homes, and the life long wake of issues that I personally endured as a result of mismatched miserably married parents who split when I was very young, it almost seems strange to me that I ask that myself that a person leave an unhappy marriage.

Perhaps we think we are helping our children remain more settled if we hang in there. Realistically, in my opinion, it’s better to hang in there and be faithful until a divorce, or best case work past the issues and reconcile, than to stay in it and cheat. If you can’t stay faithful, then why do you stay married? No matter what the reason.

Even if a divorce is imminent, you will rarely be trusted fully again in a new relationship due to the obvious. Furthermore, to try to pull another woman, an unwilling one into this is pretty dark and sad. Even if you never intended for emotions to grow, hanging around the break room water cooler at work, or during that business or ministry trip where the dinner conversation turned highly personal, or over a long period of time where feelings grew closer than comfortable in a church setting, over long conversations on social media, or with a neighbor or wife’s best friend, it’s wise to remember that the enemy will use anything he can to crush the ones that can influence the most. He goes after those that can do the most damage, at any time, at your highest level of influence, and will work doubly hard at your lowest point.

For my story personally, I will say that my parent’s split, along with the other sixteen divorces in the immediate family, parlayed into my choices not to marry due to wicked complexities that transpired from a broken home. For me, it truly “messed me up” to have the sudden loss of a two parent home. I felt the deep despair my own mother endured trying to manage in a marriage between two people who simply were never well matched. I was there, and I remember it well, the helpless sobs from their bedroom from my mother after a rip-roaring fight, my dad, huddled in the basement frustrated and filled with rage over the lack of ability for them to communicate or to convince her otherwise for whatever the topic of the issue was at the time. I watched my mother diminish into a waif from anorexia and my dad grow desperate by drawing the line as to how things would be if she left. It wasn’t pretty, and I can still remember the day we left, mom, me, and my grandmother, suitcases packed, as we said good-bye and left him behind.

No, they were not a match made for a wholesome balanced marriage, and I am not certain if their was identifiable infidelity that would ever be confessed, but no matter what the issue, they split, and I believe I am a far better person with the challenge of a single family home life that mom did her best to provide, simply because I was spared further horrific arguments and temper tantrums and sobs and despair while in their marriage. I never ever wanted my parents back together. However, I certainly had my work cut out for me, in that I was left with no example as to a Godly relationship and how to do it right. Fortunately and before I have ever decided to take a vow for matrimony, but certainly not without a high price of devastating dating relationships before this, I have seen the examples and learned a vast amount of wisdom about marriage that would never have been in place sooner in life. There are massive benefits to waiting for marriage later in life – age brings experience and time-honored wisdom. I have had plenty of time to glean from the Lord and those that do set the example of marriage and how it should be. No, I have never been married, but I have never been divorced either, and NEVER would I want to indulge in chiseling away at the trust of those around me in ministry, nor that of the marriage of another by indulging in cheating.

And let’s bring up the area of internet pornography and chat rooms as a “safer” means of cheating – after all you are only entertaining the mind and won’t even lay a hand on her – right? But stop for a second and consider these facts;  I recently learned more of the sex trade from those involved in the mission of rescue, that often times these men and women on the other side of the camera are trapped in slavery, and forced to work up to twelve hours a day performing for the camera to make a living. One person I learned about was working through a terrible illness, in order to provide for her daughter, her parents, and her entire brother’s family. She had been raped and abused in her past, and even had the freedom to get out of that trade, but simply was in survival mode in a country where jobs were nearly non-existent under an oppressive ruling thumb of her “president” and this was one of the only alternatives for her to feed her family. She even had to keep it a secret from her own family how she was providing for them. Not so attractive now that you know the truth – is it? And what if that were your baby girl on the other end trapped into a situation that you never even knew about?

The Scripture verse Hebrew 13:4 that says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous,” bears some pretty heavy weight with it and seems rather terrifying to someone who knows that unless they repent of this, get the help they need, and fall headlong into the Lord’s ability to heal, there is a sobering expectation in the long run. It’s even worse, when one does know that truth and still chooses to defy God’s warning.

But let’s look at the fact that there is hope. He Who began a good work in us will be faithful to the end the complete it. He won’t let us feel secure in our infidelities for long, and later in life there is often a regret, and disdain for past behavior with a thirsty desire to make up for the worst. The Lord Jesus Himself could not have been more merciful or kind to the woman caught in adultery, that the vituperative sin-filled blind men of the day wanted to stone, proving that the Lord does indeed see into the heart and life of the one that commits adultery even beyond what the verse in Hebrews discusses.  The Lord is incredibly kind, merciful, gracious, and understanding when a marriage is in trouble, and He understands and He forgives, but let’s not trample on that grace and keep up the sin cycle and get to a place that later in life, we live with deep relentless regret. It gets complicated and there never are easy answers with these issues, but there is always hope.

Let me stress, infidelity, sin, for whatever reason, in whatever form, will never produce the righteousness of God. In the mean time, let’s do our best to remember that truth of the matter and work to overcome the desire to cause another one to stumble along with us. To finish off my ending note, what can we do to prevent a disaster and unwanted outcome in marriage, and when do men need to know that professional Godly counsel is in order to prevent further damage?

Checklist:

  1. For men and for women – do I need to get counseling in my marriage even if I am doing it alone? Do I have a sexual addiction? (There are volumes of places to help.)
  2. Do I spend time flirting with the opposite sex calling it harmless, and even convincing myself that this flattery is making them feel worthy and needed?
  3. Do I have a history of infidelity and should I avoid certain types of women that may trigger a desire to step out on my marriage? Should I really be on social media, or stay in the same realm of work on that floor of the church, with “her”?
  4. Am I calloused to my spouses needs and have I become less and less convicted about the idea of cheating?
  5. Am I spending time in God’s Word daily and pursuing the heart the of the Lord to prevent issues even in thought, that could lead to infidelity.
  6. Is my marriage truly over? Have I really tried everything to make it work, and have I been totally transparent with my spouse that temptation sits at the door if we don’t work on things together?
  7. Did I see some warning flags with my spouse before I married them? Could I have prevented heartache ahead of time? Was she cheating with you and now she is cheating on you? Were you the one cheating and thinking the next marriage would fix whatever it was that was broken?
  8. Am I lying to myself that flirting with anyone, is harmless? ) All marital infidelity begins with flirting.)
  9. Do I really want to hurt someone I say I care for? My wife, the ministry, my children, the church body, unbelievers who are looking for hope, and the other woman or women I encounter?
  10. Are there generational issues of infidelity in my family that I need to be freed from? Can I truly be the one that breaks the line of the curse? Of course you can!

I pray for blessings on you as you read this and take it to heart. There are so many blessings when we ourselves remain personally healthy and attach ourselves to the same. The Lord has a great plan for you, according to Jeremiah 29:11-13, and that would include freeing you from the stronghold of infidelity. God bless you as you endeavor to overcome.

Suggested reading: The Fantasy Fallacy – Shannon Ethridge

Love

Under the Micropscope

Challenge: To take our eyes off of everyone else and put them squarely back on Jesus. To work on our own personal growth while not losing sight to care and pray for others. Can you imagine if we spent as much time introspectively on ourselves for improvement as opposed to self-righteously pointing at and blaming everyone else and be ultra concerned about seeking the heart of and pleasing Jesus Christ of Nazareth? When we get caught up in Christ – supernatural change takes place and we become aware of our own issues and more concerned about others and their growth in Christ as opposed to tearing them down. That requires praying for clear vision, evaluation and surrender to the Lord, then again – praying for the Lord to change those areas that have fallen short and to strengthen those areas that are on point – in our OWN lives. We evaluate under the microscope-interrogate-and berate those around us – our spouses, our kids, our parents, our bosses, our friends, our church leaders, our fellow church members, our co-workers, our politicians, expecting standards that are sometimes impossible to attain to while grossly overlooking glaring issues in ourselves, our behavior, our attitude and the consequences. Paul said, 1 Corinthians 9:27, “I treat my body hard and make it my slave so that I myself will not be disqualified after I have preached to others.”‪#‎TURNYOUREYESUPONJESUS‬

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BABY BOOMERS: This is for you!

“It’ll never last, it’s just a fad,” and with angst and dread I peered down the long hallway into the “new” mid-1980s computer lab in high school my sophomore year. All I could imagine were the long hours of having to sit and learn a new frustrating method of study on a big boxy apparatus called a “computer” with a flashing cursor on the screen, toting floppy disks, seated side by side with students picking up on how to use “it” faster than I ever would. And those Dot Matrix printers? Oh my – those seemed to promise endless miles of perforated-edged paper rolling out onto the floor to become the backdrop of complicated term papers that would sit in a box never to be read again. Thanks, but no thanks, I would rather stick with my pencil and paper notebook.

Yes, I was certain that reality-vs.-the gossip over the forthcoming “internet” seemed as far fetched as a 2099 sci-fi movie scene thinking all of this was way too much to embrace for change. I rather feared the unfamiliar.

Fast forward 30 years, sitting on the edge of 2016, and without a doubt looking back, I am tickled to admit I was wrong about everything promised to offer! As I type away on my MacBook Pro at the moment, glancing at the messages that pop up on my instant message feature while responses are rolling in from many inquiries I have sent out for business, I smile on the memories of the dinosaur computers that started this entire trend so long ago. This once resistant-to-change girl would be one who would flip over all the techi-gadgets she could handle and spend endless hours on the information super highway, and, even find a voice teaching others, namely the baby boomers, “how to” in order to ease their angst over some new daunting feature as I once did.

I discuss and tutor with the boomers who have seen an eyeful of success on line, and yet are trying to figure out how they can take an idea and bring it to life using the tools available for aid as a launching pad, or take a well run business and kick it up a notch, but not get lost in the newest ever changing method for technical advertising.

There is a thriving lucrative communication avenue through time spent wisely on all that is offered at our finger tips, and the newest areas of “socializing” on a computer via social media sites can promise a broad new spectrum in an instant for exposure for business, branding, ministry and more. Once a person chooses to try something new, they can learn methods and trends to reach a much broader audience to with a message, product, or service. Promising and simple, it can happen, and education and a guide through the process is vital.

Let me encourage any reader taking in my story, I had to learn through many hours spent on schooling from those much younger and quicker than I, but soon discovered that once I landed a considerable sized yearly account and even more so the spiritual and emotional benefits to the ministry of a social media presence, the rewards of the result far surpassed the hassle of learning something new. Now it’s an encouragement and exciting place to be, teaching, as a bonafide nerd!

More importantly, I feel it is vital not to slip through the cracks due to the ever evolving computer gadget craze to stay in touch with our younger generation. We, as parents and grandparents, are at a critical place where we need to provide protection by staying in the loop of what our children are into. In the weeks ahead as you face the New Year with high expectations and goals for business, health, and more, add to your list our upcoming webinars and e-book introductions to Social Media 101 Courses as well as information blurbs on the latest for those that have started that want to move into a higher level of exposure on their existing platforms. Visit http://www.mrcconsulting.us that has every thing you need to learn more! Our goal is to teach you how to squeeze every benefit possible from what the on-line information highway has to offer.

See my television interview on this topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G72NqchKWo8

—ReAnn (Social Media Advisor and Business Consultant for MRC Consulting at http://www.mrcconsulting.us)

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Hating Ourselves and How to Overcome It

Why do we hate ourselves and is there any hope to help us like or even love ourselves?

Ladies and gents, stop putting yourselves down in front of the mirror, under your breath or out loud – whether alone or especially in front of your children because they are 50% of you, or anyone else within your sphere of influence. This is a highly toxic way of thinking and living.

What kind of a message does it give to others when we do this because nothing will ever seem “acceptable” as everyone is so down on what God has made? Catch yourself when you say the words, “I hate myself, my bulges – wrinkles – nose, my hair looks awful, I am not as pretty as she is, her body is so much better than mine, my body as a man or my ability to provide or my masculinity is never enough.”

Most especially discipline yourself not to insult your intelligence and character with, “I’m such a loser, a failure, I never can get anywhere, haven’t accomplished anything, no wonder he left, who would want me, I blew it again you idiot, I could never be a good enough parent, my ideas will flop, my business will fail, there is no way to kick this habit, I’m doomed, it’s over, and never should have been born.”

… and on and on.

So I am sending out an edict from the KING to all the ladies and gentlemen of the land, with a royal signet ring seal and an order that reads >>>> “STOP THAT. I, the Lord God, took time to think you through and put you together in My mind before the foundations of the earth and formed you in your mama’s belly. You are insulting My work with your thoughts and words and deeds. Your value and you’re worth does not lie in what you think of yourself or anyone else. It lies in what I say about you. I said to love others as you love yourself, so how can we be of any good to others if we can’t get the basic fact down that you are lovely and stunning in MY eyes? I hereby order you to LOVE what I made YOU to be for MY glory and no one else’s. Speak my truths and not that of the enemy. That’s an order. You are loved and adored every single day.”

I have been learning through a fabulous study with Dr. Henry Wright of the Be In Health Ministry is Thomaston, Ga. (www.beinhealth.com), that every time we self-deprecate, we are agreeing with an Anti-Christ spirit … oh yes we are … because Christ does not say these things about us! HELLO, so why are WE assuming we are qualified to say them?

Furthermore, that voice you hear … may not be YOURS, but that of the enemy … it’s in agreement with an Anti-Christ mentality. It makes our negative view “a god and an idol” who rules our brain and then we make less than honorable decisions because our idea of what is worthy is skewed. Those decisions can grossly effect our lives and can escalate into serious illnesses in the body that are deemed “incurable” (nothing is incurable), cause us to hate and not forgive and put way too much emphasis on another imperfect struggling person to fulfill a need only God can fill.

We become numb and enable and soothe our numbness with food, medicate with alcohol, drugs, and meds, ignore the pleas of those around us that say they wish we could see ourselves from their perspective, race hard to find a way to defy aging, compete to win with others and not as a good sport, exercise to no avail, overcompensate with our jobs and income, overspend, and pressure and push a round peg into a square hole to the damage of everything around it. Simply because we are spinning out of balance inside of our beings and don’t know how to stop it.

Try this first, as it will change your life and watch how things turn around. Substitute those words with, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am valued, the Lord has a big plan for my life, He took the time to create me and give me gifts, talents, and a skill set, no matter what my deformities, shortcomings, or sinful failures past present and even future might present as a detourant.”

Secondly, pray about it as you say it. Even if you are stuck in sin daily with an overwhelming stronghold, talk to HIM anyway. He will deliver – He always does.

Thirdly, consider that your health could be a consequence of generational sin, your self attack, and issues of the past and present that are working against your health rather than providing a way to help you thrive.

Fourthly and I LOVE this one … Something a counselor has been helping me with has been radically effective in helping me soar above the trenches of despair and ruination. She told me to record my emotions for a few days or weeks every hour on the hour and acknowledge what I am feeling, and then …. do NOT judge them good or bad. They are emotions, feel them, acknowledge and accept them, lean into them and don’t stuff them. Shame is a big one I have wrestled with over anything small and insignificant all the way to the biggees I feel are unforgivable in my life. I had NO idea I was on such a roller coaster ride every day until I recorded it, figured out what the emotions were tethered to, and then understood that it is not a shameful thing to do a basic thing God gave us … to feel. It’s ok to feel disappointment, fierce anger, wrath, pain, sorrow, joy, intimidation, attracted and attractive, and not have to skewer them as a means of killing them like they are little bad people and then hiding the bodies. Yes, we are to be careful what we DO with what we feel, but the auto-pilot actions we take to numb feelings are far more threatening than to actually arrest the moment when we are hurt or praised or whatever, and accept it good or bad, and then go on in the next moment … without ANY shame or guilt.

Pretty soon the numbing agents listed above will lost their power as we begin to crave less and less the things we think are helping us hobble along. The Lord meant for us to run valiantly in overcoming and not just muddle through like an invalid.

Worthiness does not lie in whether a marriage or any other relationship failed or not, whether or not you stepped out in an affair or almost did, that you gained all that weight back and the scale is screaming that hideous number, what your parents or a bully said when you were younger or still say to you now, or the way a boss treats you, what a stupid magazine says you should be like, what your spouse says, it does not lie in the fact you were sexually molested or raped, or that you were overlooked on the ball team for a position, what the size of your britches are, or the numbers of zeroes on your income, or even how YOU treat you.

Exercise some compassion and kindness on your life and soul and watch how chasing out negative self talk will lift your life out of the pits of self destruction. It will take awhile to redo and rethink. To reposition your ammo as a warrior over darkness rather than one who is “managing” their issues which only serves to set one back five steps for every single one they take.

Slow down, think, acknowledge, be reasonable with yourself, learn to say “no”, put up proper boundary lines, divorce old voices, embrace your unique self HE made you to be, try “it” again 20 more times even if doesn’t work or learn to move on. The Lord SAID He had a plan for my life, and I believe Him but hating myself was only serving as a catalyst to push me deeper into Who He says I am and how forgivable He finds me.

Note: I HIGHLY recommend counseling for anything you are dealing with and do your marriage, your heart, your singleness, your children, your business, and relationships a massive favor and study through the Be In Health material. You will find a depth of teaching like nothing you have ever see before on healing from the inside out.

Hatingyourselves

INCONSISTENCY

Inconsistency

THINK ABOUT IT:
One of the greatest destabilizing forces we can create in any relationship is INCONSISTENCY.

Inconsistency says, “I don’t care as much as I say I do despite the declaration that I love/treasure/adore/care said person, my family, a friend, a group, a church, a business goal, or mission of any kind that I am supposedly committed to … Although I profess I am devoted to this or that and even put in the time and attention to prove that my intentions were such, I forfeit effective methods to keep things rock solid between us by not communicating regularly and with some predictability due to any little thing that comes along to derail my attention. It’s too hard to prioritize life, above lack of self restraint, immaturity, and loafing around with the lesser and most assuredly trivial. With my actions of neglect one minute, full engagement the next, and abandonment the very next day, I will leave you questioning my very character altogether that should put into regular practice sticking with the plan regardless of circumstances.

After all, in a scattered mind set, I have too many other obligations that I have involved myself in that could clearly have been prevented and only create more cluttered chaos to derail and swallow me whole. I would rather live diluted pursuing 101 things that nab my attention for 10 minutes than to whittle it down to a few things that matter and give all of myself to secure that trust that matters for a life time. You and what we have been working toward is simply not valuable enough for me to get my act together and grow up. I am to be a human BEING working in my realm of gifting that has no limits – opening up for more enriched depth with you by giving of my words and deeds out of a genuine heart, but instead pretend to be a super human DOER with an ADD riddled mind, which profits very little. Why invest my guts in to this anyway? It would be simple to exercise self discipline and think on how others are perceiving the message I am emitting from my actions vs my words or even lack of words. So, I will hobble along accomplishing a mole hill here and there leaving a trail of fragments of my good intentions, hurt feelings, and half commitments, that will be of little or no value, create a discredit of my memory and elusive presence, for anything or anyone in the long run, and most assuredly will sabotage my credibility as a person that cannot seem to fully engage in treasuring those around me flourishing where it really does count.”

Long quote, but the above thoughts should give us a quick insight how to tackle that mixed message we give others if we are indeed inconsistent:

  1. Prioritize projects already in the throws of commitment, and complete them fully before taking on something new. That means finish going through the mail stack, the laundry that is overflowing in that other room, and put human beings before tasks to start with such as your spouse and children and what they need you for and why. There is no amount of busy work that you will ever miss, but you will certainly miss precious time that flies by before your eyes if you don’t stop to care for family and friends that count.
  2. Communicate to those around you what your plans are, by a polite affirmative “no” so that they (especially those that don’t respect boundaries) are aware, “I don’t need anymore dirt on this already heaping pile.” Need I explain more here?
  3. Involve and delegate. I have found that one of the best moves I ever made in business was to stop doing my accounting. I HATE numbers and math makes my skin crawl, plus it leaves me depleted hunting for receipts, perusing bank accounts, and all that it requires. Once I turned this over and stopped believing I could save dough by doing it myself,  I found out the opposite. I got a huge refund and saved thousands of dollars using a qualified monthly tax organizer and could breathe a long sigh of relief it was done right.
  4. Take time to rest in between tasks and work during your optimal hours. I work far and away better in the morning hours and can’t believe the sense of accomplishment I feel when I put exercise and time with the Lord FIRST, and then tackle business and everything else next. Something about the stabilizing supernatural involvement of the Word of God is reflective of God’s mercies that are new every morning, and when I take care of the engine that carries me, my body, I feel like a million bucks!

Happy consistency and feel free to comment or ask questions as you wish!

Overcoming barriers to grieving after abortion and other painful loss

cradle my heart blog

Cradle My Heart Radio welcomes counselor Rita Schulte

Rita Schulte Rita Schulte

Unrecognized grief drives emotional and physical problems after we suffer the loss of a loved one. And the challenges to recognizing and releasing that grief are even greater if the loss includes abortion.

According to Focus on the Family, unfamiliar emotions while grieving go far beyond feeling sadness, and may include:

  • Feeling physically drained
  • Sleeplessness
  • Forgetfulness
  • Loss of appetite
  • Inappropriate risk-taking
  • Lethargy and over-indulgence
  • Becoming withdrawn and apathetic

Raising awareness of the source of these changes is the beginning of our hope for healing.

This week–practical help from professional counsler Rita Schulte for the spiritual and emotional challenges we face in overcoming unrecognized grief. Rita is the author of Shattered: Finding Hope and Healing through Losses of Life.

Shattered_web

From Rita’s bio:

Rita Schulte is a licensed professional board certified counselor with a B.S. in psychology and a master’s…

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Corrie ten Boom’s Tea Cup: Revisiting the Hiding Place

RTTHP and Corrie's tea cup

This weekend marks the nationwide release of the film Return to the Hiding Place – sequel to the 70s World Wide Pictures release of The Hiding Place. 

Make no mistake, this is not a digitally remastered version of the first, but rather a true story depiction of Corrie’s “youth army” workers, from the perspective source of the late Author, Hans Poley, who served alongside Corrie during the underground of the Dutch Resistance to Hitler’s regime in the Netherlands.

The film is spell-binding and loaded with action, suspense, tears, laughter, joy, and more – well worth the trip down memory lane to join that of The Hiding Place and also captures a superb account of the Holocaust from behind the scenes. All ages and races would benefit from this blessing of a film!

Four years ago I was asked by Spencer Productions who wrote, produced, and directed this sequel, to act as Publicist for the film – an undeserved privilege and position of honor of which I can never fully convey the gratitude.  Dr. Peter Spencer, who wrote and directed,  was introduced to Hans Poley in the mid 80s and a true brother hood of the spirit joined them for the work that lie ahead. They were fast friends until Hans went to glory in 2003 well aware of the efforts made for the film – all of 20 years in the making. Yes, 20 years. Dr. Spencer and his entire family have woven together a beautiful depiction of this story on film. Their labor of love and devotion to this piece is highly evident while being viewed and the exit interviews with remarks and exclamations of a job well done can be heard across the nation. Superb to say the least!

This request to do publicity parlayed out of the work done with Pam Rosewell Moore, who served as companion and nurse to Corrie ten Boom in the late 70s and early 80s. We met at a women’s conference in 1995 where Pam spoke a captivating and purely anointed talk from on high. Her book Safer Than A Known Way has influenced and changed lives for eternity and still plays a role in keeping the memory of Corrie’s ministry and message alive. A ministry that bears much weight and held in holy reverence by those that know and love the story she told surviving the concentration camps and learning forgiveness of the Germans. For more information see link: http://www.pamrosewellmoore.com

Fast forward 17 years and I found myself called by the Lord to go and “help her” (Pam) as I heard the Lord direct and soon before we knew it, there was an undeniable knit-at-the-soul union between us as sisters and co-workers in the ministry. Life has never been the same, hence, how I inherited a handful of priceless Corrie memorabilia along with her tea-cup, a treasure I will keep close to my heart for life. After a trip to Haarlem in The Netherlands with my beloved sister Pam, where I did some publicity work to promote the film from the scene of the action in time itself during the soft release in May 2014, we are now promoting the hard release this week in March and on into April 2015 for the US release found on http://www.rhptickets.com

On opening day of March 6th, yesterday, I imbibed deeply on my tea from Corrie’s cup, drinking to the honor of my beloved hero (who never wanted to known as a hero) and reflected with indescribable respect the story of Hans Poley. Two people who gave their best on behalf of those that truly did appreciate it. So many lives were spared while so many lives were given for the cause.

On behalf of Spencer Productions, we cordially invite you to participate in supporting this film with your attendance and please do know, this is beneficial to the believer, the unbeliever, the Jew or the Gentile, young or older. Get your viewing and be blessed: http://www.rhptickets.com. Theaters can be requested to show film in your area – see link for details.