It’s been a mystery for years for the fellas to figure out what it is a woman really wants, the mystery behind her sudden silence, vibrant mood changes, or simply what it is that causes her to become quiet and distant without explanation.
Being a completely imperfect woman I can only speak from the perspective of what personally makes me tick as a woman, not to mention incorporating a host of explanations carried in from my married and single friends. The goal is only to present this from the point of view of a born again Christian who truly attempts to seek the heart of God, and one who strives to reach emotionally maturity. So many women never attempt singleness for long as they are quick to depend on a man to fulfill a need that only our perfect Lord God, our Father and Husbandman, is entitled to fill.
I, for one, love being single, have never been married on purpose having turned down more than one marriage opportunity, but am careful not to say “no” to the Lord for His plan if He should ask me to enter into a covenant bond in the future. Some would rather die than live life alone, but allow me to offer this caveat to those in a hurry to into a nuptial agreement, by not waiting, one is robbed of the time to pray for and against items in marriage that so many only wish they had prayed for before they got married. It’s so worth the wait for the right man or woman, as so many friends of mine have confirmed, who did not rush into marriage earlier in life. But it’s never too late to work on issues as a couple even if you are already “in it”. This blog serves a purpose on both ends of marriage for knowledge for before and after the “I do”.
This message is a communication aid for what this particular lady would love to see a marriage accomplish, which is to compliment our walk with Christ, and, enhance perspective ministries as a couple. This may seem like an unconventional approach compared to the latest Cosmopolitan article and I am never inclined to entertain the typical “I am woman hear me roar” mindset, nor do I embrace using men as a door mat and believe that it’s “all about the woman – serve me first”.
Instead, with conviction and proof, we can attest that respect and love are the key components for success in seeking to help each other reach our fullest potential inside the borders of marriage, without inflated expectations and the work expected to be done on equal footing. There is no way every man can attain to ever part of this list, but if even a quarter of these wishes were fulfilled with the SAME expectation of women to fulfill what she can do to please the Lord and her man, we might have a much lower divorce rate from expressing what is is we really want as well as need.
What a Christian woman of God prays for …
1. Genuinely Seeking the Will of God and Let the Holy Spirit Guide You:
Witnessing a man studying His Bible, or writing down a prayer request of a waiter, passing the offering plate as an usher, teaching a Bible Study, writing a blog for Christian men, praying as a family, reading the Bible out loud with his children before bed, expressing the meaning of Christmas being about Christ and not about gifts and more “stuff”, persuading other men to honor their wives, and anything else to pursue the heart of God is HUGE with a woman. This list is not exhaustive and it certainly isn’t expected that all of this happens at once, but you get the idea … a man who genuinely fears the Lord is a giant in the eyes of woman who also follows the Lord. These actions have to be real and not a facade as eventually the head game will give you away if the heart is not pure.
Security means “I can trust you” … not to leave me if I develop breast cancer or Alzheimers, as I certainly plan to return the favor if something happens to you my man. It means you will not squander life savings on a secret gambling debt but are actually planning for our family and future of our children. It means we tithe and trust. It means you won’t mess around with other women, especially when I have invested my entire life into you. If you plan to cheat, TELL ME, divorce me, whatever, but don’t try and fool me. Women KNOW when things are not ok.
We want to be able to look the other way and know that our men are mature enough to exercise self control with their minds in any circumstance, avoid temptation, and would trust us enough to admit when struggling in an area so we can BOTH work on it … This is a challenge for both sexes to do this necessary step with each other. It means you will nurture that loving feeling along with me long after the butterflies are gone and won’t flake at the first or second or third sign of adversity.
As for the area of money, if you are the bill payer and dough keeper, please keep me in the loop where everything is and put my name on items if anything should happen to you. More women are left with a financial disaster after a man leaves her widowed due to the fact she is not even aware where the check book is, and deals with nothing in order on a will. Look out for me and for our family and let’s keep each other educated and well planned for the “what ifs”. Insurance policies and items written on legal documents, keys to safety deposit boxes with easy access, all spell out “I care even after I’m gone.”
And by the way guys, most women do have a keen business sense that would serve very well as your accountability partner in decision making about money, issues in the work place, not to mention, we can actually run a business ourselves and create substantial income. This is not a threat to you, it is a necessary area we like to manage for emergency funds, shopping needs so we don’t have ask permission for every little dime spent of yours, and allows us to help out the entire household.
Not silly ridiculous embarrassing humor – but intelligent humor, cute comments, a funny card, a hilarious email, or repeating something adorable our children have said … that makes a woman melt. I am a big sucker for humor … but not at the expense of my body or what is dear to me or someone else we love. If you make a woman laugh … she will be putty in your hands. Endorphins are a key factor here. This quite honestly is ranked second to importance to me as your healthy walk with God.
4. Communicate with Me:
Tell me about your day after you unwind. I don’t have to know how many copies you made on the copier, I just want to know if you are feeling fulfilled with your job, ideas or plans for our business we have built together, and value my input as important as your own. I am your team mate and your biggest cheer leader so give me something to cheer about and do know that the Lord gives women discernment about things men simply don’t have, just like you guys are gifted in ways we women are not gifted in. Don’t Lie To Me – just be honest. When you talk to me and stimulate my MIND … I am all YOURS. Get it?
5. Don’t Compare Me To Other Women and Don’t Correct Me In Front Of Others Unless It Is Life Threatening:
I may or may not have the best body in the group but tell me I am the hottest thing you have ever seen, but not overkill. I know when you are not being honest. Tell me I am beautiful, cooked a fabulous dinner, handled the children correctly, look like I have lost weight, and please don’t ask me to dye or grow out my hair and do a style like another woman you have seen. You married ME, not HER. If you drool over another woman that will not drive me to do better for myself, it will drive me away from YOU. And if you compare me to your mother or sister, expect me to clam up or explode. Just don’t go there! If you wanted mama, you should have married her and don’t tell me I am just like my own mama unless it’s a compliment.
When you correct me on something that is wrong, exercise class and do this in a tender way in private, but please if you are perfectionist, this won’t fly however small or great you think the error is as the fault lies in your inability to be happy with anyone’s best and your list of expectations might be contrary to everything the Word of God says it should be. That’s just called being a jerk with inflated unreasonable expectations.
6. Defend Me:
If someone in my family or my children are rude to me, or anyone for that matter, defend me without losing your temper. Nothing is more degrading than a man that will let his wife be disrespected and does NOTHING to defend her.
7. Be Tender With Me:
Women LOVE tenderness from a strong man and a soft touch that stops at the point of you men wanting more. Touch my hair, brush my cheek with yours, call me during the day to say “hey baby” and remind me that I am a precious part of your heart. That means also being tender with our children and not yelling at them or being impatient. A great daddy is a big hero to a momma. I don’t care if it’s your spiritual gift or not, or my spiritual gift or not, mercy and kindness are highly appreciated and necessary every single day for us both.
Also the hidden issues of temperament that could be a problem later need to be discussed early on. I once dated a man that I only found out later had a violent temper. It started with a tiny jealous streak he thought he could control, but after awhile, the real Dr. Jeckyll Mr. Hide came out and I was crushed in my heart in the process. He KNEW he had a temper and never told me the truth, plus had covered a long history of volatile behavior against woman and authority in general that cost him dearly in the long run. Little did I know he was hiding a dangerous violent side. After that experience, the antenna went up to such a sensitive high level that I can spot a “mean spirit” a hundred miles away. Ladies, DO NOT settle for this and think you can change him. You can’t. Only the Holy Spirit of God can do that.
For you men, if you have a temper and know it, be extremely honest with yourself, the Holy Spirit, and TELL your woman – get counsel before the marriage takes place, or even if you have married, get help. A temper is nothing to mess around with and getting to the heart of the matter could truly free you from a disaster later. Tempers can be cured indeed.
8. Be Patient When I Am Hormonal:
Yes, hormones are horrible pests for women at times. Truly there are times we have mood swings that drive us crazy, make us weepy or slap happy, and can alter our entire day beyond our control. If it seems extreme, talk to me carefully and possibly we can get help together on it. Don’t marry a woman who makes you walk around on eggshells cuz hormones will only make it worse … if you tell me your concerns when I am NOT in a hormonal mode, it will fly much better.
9. Say Sorry and Mean It:
When you are wrong say it and get rid of pride, the killer of all peaceful endings, and forgive me when I am wrong too. The greatest love you can show is to forgive especially when that person least deserves it. Grace and mercy go a long way even if it means I accidentally backed the Bentley into the garage door. It’s a CAR not a human, so keep “stuff” less important than human issues. We also need to agree not to hold history over each other’s heads. If we forgive it means don’t bring it up again … if there is a pattern of behavior, that is a different issue, but just to hold something old as new does no one any way but harmful.
10. Take Care Of Your Body:
I want you around awhile. Please don’t hasten the end of your days with poor unhealthy habits. Women out live men the majority of the time and that is so hard to have to face anyway, but to know you won’t take care of your heart, blood pressure, eating habits, waist line, and so on, tells me this message “I don’t care enough to try and I am selfish”.
11. Let ME Define What a Sexy Man is – It’s Not What You Think:
a) Helping around the house – a well known pastor’s wife I know mentioned once that when her hubby took out the garbage … she found it sexy. Come on is that easy or what? Carry the groceries in, vacuum on occasion, and we really do love it when you guys put your laundry IN the hamper and not on the floor. In fact if you do a load once in awhile, you might just add 1000 points to the love bank just for the thoughtfulness. P.S. don’t mix whites and colors ok?
b) Playfulness and sharing – take me to the ball game of my choice, let’s go fishing and you handle the worm while I hook the fish, hold my hand on a walk in the park, share a bite off your plate once in awhile when we are out … you get the idea.
c) Muscles … we like those … but even a brilliant well thought out quote can exercise the brain muscle and that can be a turn on too.
d) Open my car door – my dad’s wife sat in the car in the garage for almost 30 minutes one time because he hopped out when they got home and forgot to open her car door. He found her later after a search and let me tell you, he hasn’t forgotten since. And you ladies who get offended when a man opens a door for you, NEED to get over it, because the rest of us LOVE it.
e) Dress cool … just do it … it can be comfy but a well dressed guy either in a tailored suit, clean shaven or trimmed beard, or a faded pair of jeans with the right shoes, will absolutely make a chick purrrrrrr. I promise … the clothes do indeed make the man. In turn we will not embrace the frump factor and do only sweats and no make up when you are not around. The rest of the time, I want you to love the way I look.
12. The Most Important … Make Me #2 Behind God:
I am not equal with our kids, your children from a previous woman, and am not an equal to your mother. The institution of marriage on earth is second to our marriage to Christ. That means you don’t divide the spoils evenly among us …
My hope is that this does not intimidate men, but rather, encourage them, as well as enlighten women as to what would be the viewpoint of another woman and find that we are not so different from one another.